Andrew Yang Hath wreaked havoc on my email

Illustration from the article titled Andrew Yang Hath Wrought Havoc on My Email

Photo: Spencer platt (Getty Images), Graphic: Whitney Kimball / Gizmodo (Getty Images)

January 14th approximately, a soft rumble rippled through my inbox. It sounded like: “ANDREW YANG LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN FOR NYC MAY…”

Really, it should have read: “!!!! SEEK SHELTER: ANDREW YANG SEVERE STORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL NOVEMBER 2, 2021, 100% CHANCE OF YANG SIZED HAIL ENTRY !!!!!”

That is, from late winter to early spring, Andrew Yang’s press team co-opted my working brain with ALL-CAPS delusions on ANDREW YANG and his WEDNESDAY SCHEDULE. Here is the siren sound of Yang’s arrival at a baseball game:

YANG ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME: ANDREW YANG TAKES PLACE AT CITI FIELD FOR THE HOME OPENING OF THE MEALS

This is the cry of the terrified citizens who jump into the sea:

** NOTICE ** LET’S GO TO THE BEACH: ANDREW YANG VISITS CONEY ISLAND TO CELEBRATE THE REOPENING

It was at this moment that a violent gust hit the building of the Department of Sanitation:

TODAY AT 1:30 PM ET: YANG TALKS ABOUT TRASH

It’s the sound of a derailed subway car by Canal Street station:

** TIP ** PUBLIC SCHEDULE: YANG TO TAKE METRO WITH ASIAN CANDIDATES, HOSTS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE BROADWAY PERFORMANCE REVIVAL PLAN AND LIVE

Here is Andrew Yang on a Friday:

** RELEASE ** YANG WEEK REVIEW: ANDREW GOES TO BALLPARK AND LETS MUSIC VIDEO AS THE “SUGAR-RUSH” CAMPAIGN TAKES PLACE IN APRIL

So much excess information about Andrew Yang has accumulated in my inbox that I need to clear it for you here. I can tell you where Andrew Yang is at present, at this writing; he’s at the intersection of Lane and Westchester avenues in the Bronx, standing in front of a folding table with sacks of food. I know from his Twitter account, actually, but to top it off his senior campaign leadership held a press call to discuss Andrew Yang’s exciting poll numbers at 1 p.m. ET. I know his favorite scarf – in blue and orange striped wool – which he has worn for at least 50 consecutive days, with the exception of a Yankees scarf on opening day.

He hated when people take advantage of free parking. He received VAXXED on April 10. This week, it was endorsed by the John F. Kennedy Regular Democratic Club (I hadn’t heard of it either) and yesterday received over $ 3.7 million in matching funds.

I could imagine four scenarios in which I need second by second updates on Andrew Yang or. 1) I am a stalker; 2) I am a bounty hunter; 3) I need to know if the L train is running; 4) Andrew Yang is carrying the unborn child who will save us from Skynet, and I have about three days left before I return in 2029.

But the justification for Andrew Yang Amber’s alerts remains a mystery since I have nothing to offer Andrew Yang. The press team probably knows if they’ve read my stuff.

I believe his policies are pale shadows cast by five paragraphs by copypasta vague rhetoric like “the city hurts” and we have to “assess the gaps”, without demonstrating much knowledge about which parts of the city are suffering or precisely what gaps need to be corrected and how. I believe they are woefully below the New York mayoral candidate Years and years of detailed audits by Scott Stringer with recommendations for targeted reinvestment in city services. I think he’s essentially selling an idea (a lot of free money for everyone), which he drastically reduced (a little free money for 1 / 16th of the population) deal with making this a reality. I believe he could bring that plan to fruition, but broken promises don’t cut him off next to true like his opponents. watch dog, a civil rights lawyer, a NYCHA reformer, and one CEO of a Nonprofit developer of affordable housing.

I know legions of underfunded organizations in New York City are screaming ready-made solutions to their communities’ suffering at the top of their lungs. But “the alternative models held by cooperatives for telecoms and real estate barons and concert companies” do not tear.

When you tell me what Andrew Yang does all day every day, I see the guy from the Simpsons monorail. When I go to the website I think of “LIMITED TIME ONLY BTC GIVEAWAYS LIKE + SUBSCRIBE “ tweets. I believe that is the point. It doesn’t matter whether they love you or hate you. It worked for Donald Trump, and no one is talking about Dianne Morales.

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